How Can You Be Heartbroken and Happy at the Same Time?

It’s November. I’m sitting barefoot on my balcony in my bathrobe, the warm sun caressing my skin and soothing my senses. Sunday. Father’s Day. The smell of souvlaki and meat on the grill reaches me. I turn my face towards the sun and close my eyes, the wind tousling my hair, the smell of the grill in the air, and I could almost be back in Estonia in summer, when everything feels full of hope.

I lose my sense of what’s real. I can’t believe it’s already well into November and I’m here in Crete. It feels like July in Estonia. The wind carries the smell of petrol, reminding me of the work we used to do in late autumn in Estonia. Sawing wood. The smell of sawdust and two-stroke fuel, and all those memories. All that work just to keep the house warm. I shake my head to bring myself back. Maria, you’re here. There’s no more suffering, no more bloody hard work. The sun is so warm, and the sky is so blue.

Otherworldly. Unreal. Surreal. My heart is so full of gratitude. I’m so grateful for the good people around me, the warm sun and incredible nature, and the clean, fresh food. My heart is so full of goodness and gratitude. And as I smile up at the sun, tears well up in the corners of my eyes. I’m so heartbroken that you’re gone.

Father’s Day Without You

It’s Father’s Day. I look into our children’s clear blue eyes and feel how cruel it is that they have to grow up without their dad. I feel your spirit beside us. I feel you holding us.

The children don’t know it’s Father’s Day. Luckily for me. It’s hard to write when you can’t see through your tears. I feel that southern sun on my skin, and it brings back so many memories of our time together. I’m so grateful for all we did. I’m grateful we don’t have many things, but we have so many memories! We created so much! All those events, the trips, our life. The Cretan sun brings it all back so vividly. Looking up at the sun, I feel what we felt watching wild horses in Montenegro through the glare of the sunlight, or looking out at that endless sun on an Aeroflot flight somewhere over Afghanistan, with absolutely no idea what adventures and trouble we were getting ourselves into this time.

At the Edge of the World

I went out. I got home at half past six in the morning. I woke up after midday. I felt like such a teenager. I haven’t been out like that since having kids. So at least nine years. And it only happened because I have my Mary. I definitely owe her a whole blog post of her own.

At the bar, I stepped outside for a cigarette. Ierapetra. The southernmost little town in Europe. Africa is a stone’s throw away. The wind ruffled my hair and as I inhaled another puff of cigarette smoke, I thought, how on earth did I end up here? Letting go of my roots, living life the way I want to. In that moment, it felt like a fairy tale, one I’m actually living. Some days I can’t quite believe it myself. This fairy tale. Is it really happening? Am I really standing here at the edge of the world, on my own with my three children? Surrounded by a language and a culture I don’t yet understand? But more than anything, I love being a little lost in this life.

What My Heart Can Hold

My heart is so full. I’m crying with sadness and longing, and at the same time I’m smiling up at the sun because life somehow feels so full of possibility, so powerful. I miss you and I love you, and I grieve, and at the same time my heart is full of joy because I feel I have to live, and live to the fullest, for all that was left unlived.

This is me, Maria. Sad and joyful at the same time. Grateful to be alive. Grateful for what I’ve experienced. Even for all the hard and awful things I’ve been through. I’ve learned so much and changed so much. I’m happy I’m here and alive.

My heart is full of longing. The sun is just dipping behind the mountain. And my heart is full of such immense gratitude. And you cry from the bottom of your heart, with happiness and with sadness. And you wonder how both can exist in your heart at the same time. But there they are, and you take in everything life has to offer.

I didn’t know you could cry with sadness and feel joy with all your heart at the same time. To live among broken dreams while making new ones.

For Both of Us

Today is full of smells that bring so much back to me. Our adventures in Asia. Our motorbike trips. Our Greece. That feeling of being alive. There’s so much tucked away in smells. I know you’re here beside me. I can smell it as if we were back in our garage and you’d just opened up a carburetor full of that green sludge they call petrol these days.

You breathe in that air, and in that memory I feel it all the more strongly. Maria, live! LIVE! You’re here, and please don’t hold yourself back anymore. For both of us. For you, too.

If you enjoy what I share and would like to support us on our journey, you can buy my book or send a little coffee money my way. Thank you for being here with us.

My books: https://itsmemaria.com/ebooks/

Coffee money: Maria-Maarja Karumets IBAN: EE021010010333888018